Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried

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(618): View more from Illinois

Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT

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(708): View more from Illinois

To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.

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