dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
