so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
