Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
