Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
