Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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