never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
