I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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