The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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