I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
