Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
