My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
