I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
