ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
