i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
