Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
