Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
