Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
