i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
