I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
