I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
