Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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