1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
