i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
