I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
