You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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