Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Sacagawea was the original milf.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
