i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
