Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
