you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
