Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
