i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
