I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We named our party play list daddy issues
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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