Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
