I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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