hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
