Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
