I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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