did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
