I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
