My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
