shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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