drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
