She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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