Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
