On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
