I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
