just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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