I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
