Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
